what i miss

i miss being pretty. i never thought i was pretty or anything, but after looking at older pictures of me and looking at myself now...yeah, i definitely miss being pretty.

i miss being able to juggle school with activities and work while still getting decent grades. yeah, i know it was highschool, but i did it so well. i don't understand what changed between highschool and college but something happened.

i miss my innocence. it was just nice not knowing and understanding the things i know/understand now. the world just seemed like a better place.

i miss being religious. there was a point in my life, when i was like 9, that i never even said "gosh" because it was too close to the word "God." well, i am completely opposite of that now. thanks to never going to church, not having religious parents, and becoming a science major.

i miss not being fucked up, mentally, i am not happy with myself. i am paranoid, depressed, anxious...what happened to the li'l happy Cathy my family knew and loved? my mom always tells me i used to come home from school and when my parents asked how was school, i would say well i got made fun of today with a smile on my face because as much as it hurt, i was still happy. what happened to that strong Cathy?

i miss my independence. i am definitely more dependent than ever on my boyfriend and family. maybe less on the family. i hate being alone and that has to do with my paranoia, but it's really awful.

i miss my motivation. i have 2 exams, tomorrow and friday, and i've barely studied and it's late and i need to go to bed. in 2 days, this will all be over and perhaps some of these old aspects of myself can come out and play for a little bit...