monster

"look in the mirror, what do you see?
i see the monster that lives inside of me."

part of a poem i came up with when i was younger (and never finished)...as lame it is, i've always kept those words in the back of mind, resurfacing when i'm feeling down about myself. and that's how i've been feeling lately (FYI IF YOU DIDN'T GET THAT FROM MY LAST EMO POST).

but this is particularly on the fact of my physical appearance. usually during the school year, i stop caring about my appearance, at least when i go to class. i sit in class and then i go back to my house/cave i call my room to occasionally have fun, but usually to study or do something boring. so when i get home, i change into something comfy anything. but i know i should wear nicer clothes to feel better about myself or leave my hair down. but i've gained some weight and my hair is that awkward part of growth where it needs to either grow out or i need to cut it because its just not falling right and my clothes are getting just every so slightly tighter (well...jeans, anyway). and i'm not gonna say i'm fat or that i've even gained a significant amount of weight, but it's noticeable enough to me. at UD, i walked a decent amount and i was just generally more active but i guess because i drive and just sit in my room and study for long periods of time, i have not been active at all and it's showing. the problem is, the way i usually deal with this is i'll just wear giant sweats and a hoodie to just be comfortable and cover up my body.

all the times i complained about my weight and my stomach and here i am, where its actually noticeable and now i'm begging for the body i once had. man, you don't realize these things until they're gone.

hopefully i'll time to at least diet but hopefully go to the gym, at least a little bit. i miss sports though...that was the best. they were fun and you kept in shape. and now i sacrificed everything for good grades which aren't even happening. dilemmas, dilemmas...

oh, and i have been seriously considering doing something with my hair. as usual, i doubt i'll go thorugh with this, but i have been thinking of dying my hair and straighten it or something...i just feel like i need a change. i'm tired of the way i look.