for allie..

so, i'm starting up my blog (again) for allie! so here you go, hehe.

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i had a breakdown last night and it sure wasn't pleasant. it's very nice that at least it happens less, but when they do happen, they definitely bring up bitter memories. though it was intriguing that instead of my usual antics, i more...regressed and acted child-like. perhaps it was because of stress and i miss what it was like being young and care-free. everything was just about making your parents and friends happy, doing what you want, and having fun. life was easy. but i'm glad matt was supportive of me, even though as usual, i told him he was horrible and i didn't want his help, but he eventually got me to (sort of) open up. of course, recalling back to last night, half the things i barely remember; they were nonsensical. i'm just glad i haven't done anything....bad...in a long time and i am very proud for resisting my urges. though i think people overreact to the degree; there are people that are struggling mentally like 800 bajillion times worse and you know, do worse things to feel better. but i guess when your boyfriend/ex is involved, i suppose for them, it's the end of the world. makes sense, but still... ah well, the dark phase is over for hopefully a long time and my last breakdown will hopefully not happen to that extent again.

last night i realized how burnt out i truly am from this semester. the sad thing, in retrospect, i really stressed myself outside way too much, considering there were people taking the same classes + more classes + jobs. i had no reason to take such little credits, but i fear my grades dwindling. i have a 3.2 now and it feels really nice, but it's not real. i don't deserve that gpa. because it's not my gpa. and everyone says its not important, oh, but it is. and there's not much you can do it to change it besides work harder. it's actually really upsetting to see when i work so hard, i still can't get the optimal grades i want. i guess i'm learning some people, no matter how hard they try, aren't meant for vet/med/physician assistant school, whatever. i mean, yes, i know i can have more experience and that's something i will figure out and focus on when i'm out of school, but in order to achieve my goals (whatever they are...), i'm going to need to work and get more experience and retake classes because i suck at chemistry. and i didn't take physics so depending what i end up doing...gonna need that too.

everything seems impossible yet everyone says don't give up. i don't think i'm pessimistic, i just think i'm realistic and everyone is either too optimistic or are just saying words to appease me. i hate that nature of people, yet it's so necessary in society.

honestly, i think i'm at the point where i am just going to do what i have to graduate as close to as on time as possible and then just figure it out. i just feel like all i'm doing is wasting my parents' hardwork and money. i'm sorry...