pains

i know my body very well and i'm noticing for the past month my gi tract is out of whack (excuse the rhyme). my first guess was a diet change, but i really don't think my diet is significantly different from before. i mean, at ud i ate dining hall food and i was fine. my next gues was maybe something from my surgery last year messed something up...but would i feel the consequences 10 months later? i suppose its possible, but i don't know. my gi tract is usually immune to everything so i've been a little worried. i think my mom is scheduling a doctor's appointment when i get home from college. i doubt it's anything serious, but if they run some tests and everything is a-okay, i'll feel better. :]

on a different note, i have a final tomorrow and i am doing terrible at studying for it. i think i just decided i'm done. a little too early, i suppose. for whatever reason, my mentality for genetics is very similar to what it is was during my semesters of gen. chem. and it really shouldn't be. it should have never been that 'laxed during gen. chem. either.

i need to study, soooo, i'll try to update something soon that is more interesting. i'm clearly just wasting time...damnit!

it's a shame when beautiful people change...

what i miss

i miss being pretty. i never thought i was pretty or anything, but after looking at older pictures of me and looking at myself now...yeah, i definitely miss being pretty.

i miss being able to juggle school with activities and work while still getting decent grades. yeah, i know it was highschool, but i did it so well. i don't understand what changed between highschool and college but something happened.

i miss my innocence. it was just nice not knowing and understanding the things i know/understand now. the world just seemed like a better place.

i miss being religious. there was a point in my life, when i was like 9, that i never even said "gosh" because it was too close to the word "God." well, i am completely opposite of that now. thanks to never going to church, not having religious parents, and becoming a science major.

i miss not being fucked up, mentally, i am not happy with myself. i am paranoid, depressed, anxious...what happened to the li'l happy Cathy my family knew and loved? my mom always tells me i used to come home from school and when my parents asked how was school, i would say well i got made fun of today with a smile on my face because as much as it hurt, i was still happy. what happened to that strong Cathy?

i miss my independence. i am definitely more dependent than ever on my boyfriend and family. maybe less on the family. i hate being alone and that has to do with my paranoia, but it's really awful.

i miss my motivation. i have 2 exams, tomorrow and friday, and i've barely studied and it's late and i need to go to bed. in 2 days, this will all be over and perhaps some of these old aspects of myself can come out and play for a little bit...

rents

this is probably really bad for me to say, because i know i have probably some of the most supportive parents, but at the same time, they aren't as supportive as i think they can be because of their lack of understanding of my situation. i constantly think, each day, about what the hell i want to do with my life. i feel like i'm wasting their money because, well i transferred and rutgers decided to give me the RU screw on multiple levels and because i keep changing my mind on what i want to pursue. for example, i want to retake orgo because i did awful here. but my dad wants me to take classes at county college, for money reasons. but i don't think he...remembers...about my awful grade. and i don't know what to do. i feel like it just eats away at me each day. i feel like i disappointed myself but the i think the worse of all, is that i tried so damn hard. at UD, i could've gotten an A, the way i work now. so how the hell did i do so well at UD and sucked at rutgers. well for one thing, rutgers was harder. also, if i recall correctly, chem majors take the same orgo as every other science major while UD has an easier (but still not intro) level orgo for the non-chem majors. makes more sense in my book.

so again, the debate continues. did i make the right decision by coming to rutgers? where now i have this permanent standing grade that i can't do anything about. and i can't fix my gen chem grades either. i mean, to me, its like an equivalent of a jail record-- either way, i'm not gonna get into any graduate level schools or get any jobs. i might as well just go get arrested because at least i'd have a good story.

each minute of each day, i am further than ever from my dreams (wow, i almost wrote genes...thanks, genetics). and if you can't tell, it really fucking depresses me.

monster

"look in the mirror, what do you see?
i see the monster that lives inside of me."

part of a poem i came up with when i was younger (and never finished)...as lame it is, i've always kept those words in the back of mind, resurfacing when i'm feeling down about myself. and that's how i've been feeling lately (FYI IF YOU DIDN'T GET THAT FROM MY LAST EMO POST).

but this is particularly on the fact of my physical appearance. usually during the school year, i stop caring about my appearance, at least when i go to class. i sit in class and then i go back to my house/cave i call my room to occasionally have fun, but usually to study or do something boring. so when i get home, i change into something comfy anything. but i know i should wear nicer clothes to feel better about myself or leave my hair down. but i've gained some weight and my hair is that awkward part of growth where it needs to either grow out or i need to cut it because its just not falling right and my clothes are getting just every so slightly tighter (well...jeans, anyway). and i'm not gonna say i'm fat or that i've even gained a significant amount of weight, but it's noticeable enough to me. at UD, i walked a decent amount and i was just generally more active but i guess because i drive and just sit in my room and study for long periods of time, i have not been active at all and it's showing. the problem is, the way i usually deal with this is i'll just wear giant sweats and a hoodie to just be comfortable and cover up my body.

all the times i complained about my weight and my stomach and here i am, where its actually noticeable and now i'm begging for the body i once had. man, you don't realize these things until they're gone.

hopefully i'll time to at least diet but hopefully go to the gym, at least a little bit. i miss sports though...that was the best. they were fun and you kept in shape. and now i sacrificed everything for good grades which aren't even happening. dilemmas, dilemmas...

oh, and i have been seriously considering doing something with my hair. as usual, i doubt i'll go thorugh with this, but i have been thinking of dying my hair and straighten it or something...i just feel like i need a change. i'm tired of the way i look.

for allie..

so, i'm starting up my blog (again) for allie! so here you go, hehe.

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i had a breakdown last night and it sure wasn't pleasant. it's very nice that at least it happens less, but when they do happen, they definitely bring up bitter memories. though it was intriguing that instead of my usual antics, i more...regressed and acted child-like. perhaps it was because of stress and i miss what it was like being young and care-free. everything was just about making your parents and friends happy, doing what you want, and having fun. life was easy. but i'm glad matt was supportive of me, even though as usual, i told him he was horrible and i didn't want his help, but he eventually got me to (sort of) open up. of course, recalling back to last night, half the things i barely remember; they were nonsensical. i'm just glad i haven't done anything....bad...in a long time and i am very proud for resisting my urges. though i think people overreact to the degree; there are people that are struggling mentally like 800 bajillion times worse and you know, do worse things to feel better. but i guess when your boyfriend/ex is involved, i suppose for them, it's the end of the world. makes sense, but still... ah well, the dark phase is over for hopefully a long time and my last breakdown will hopefully not happen to that extent again.

last night i realized how burnt out i truly am from this semester. the sad thing, in retrospect, i really stressed myself outside way too much, considering there were people taking the same classes + more classes + jobs. i had no reason to take such little credits, but i fear my grades dwindling. i have a 3.2 now and it feels really nice, but it's not real. i don't deserve that gpa. because it's not my gpa. and everyone says its not important, oh, but it is. and there's not much you can do it to change it besides work harder. it's actually really upsetting to see when i work so hard, i still can't get the optimal grades i want. i guess i'm learning some people, no matter how hard they try, aren't meant for vet/med/physician assistant school, whatever. i mean, yes, i know i can have more experience and that's something i will figure out and focus on when i'm out of school, but in order to achieve my goals (whatever they are...), i'm going to need to work and get more experience and retake classes because i suck at chemistry. and i didn't take physics so depending what i end up doing...gonna need that too.

everything seems impossible yet everyone says don't give up. i don't think i'm pessimistic, i just think i'm realistic and everyone is either too optimistic or are just saying words to appease me. i hate that nature of people, yet it's so necessary in society.

honestly, i think i'm at the point where i am just going to do what i have to graduate as close to as on time as possible and then just figure it out. i just feel like all i'm doing is wasting my parents' hardwork and money. i'm sorry...

just bringing my long posts from tumblr over

**these are old but i just like to be organized. i occasionally go back and look through my blogs so its interesting to read about my thoughts/feelings**

so i was thinking about the time that dan bittner was ranting in the car about looking for a job. he was saying that getting an entry level job is not really an entry level job because they expect you to have experience even though the whole point is ENTRY level. i totally agree. i mean, when i was looking for an internship, it was like “____ experience required.” wtf? i’m trying get experience with your goddamn, nonpaying, bitch internship. and you expect me to have experience? thanks, asshole.

another thing he mentioned was how every resume wants “leadership skills.” to paraphrase dan’s words: if everyone was a leader, there would be NO followers! people should be happy with someone who is a good follower. without good followers, shit would never get done.

i agree with this. i think it’s because people are still in the 1800s belief of the american dream. and while i agree people should strive for want and have high ambitions, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be a CEO or a doctor. it’s natural for people to be power-hungry i suppose, but i think there is a lot of truth in what dan is saying.

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i’ve been some reading some blogs of people going through rough breakups and i reminisce about mine. i start to feel those awful, negative feelings start to rise back up. the memories flood my mind as i try to keep myself occupied with other things. they were such terrible, terrible times in my life. i was literally alone. no one wanted to be around me because i was unbearably depressing. literally every possible negative thought would take control of me. i had no positive emotion. i was either apathetic or depressed. i could stand to be me. despite my major fear of death, all i wanted to do was die. it’s amazing how emotions can take over you and completely change who you are for such a long period of time. after thinking about it now, i realize i am not good with change. breaking up is losing a best friend. you go from sharing a bed and laughs to literally nothing in just a few seconds. you go from parting kisses to an awkward hug goodbye, if that. i know it doesn’t always have to be like that, but fact is, most of the time, it has to happen like that.. since i’ve been over everything for quite some time, i guess it finally hit me that i haven’t spoken to brian in 3 or 4 months and it upsets me. not because i want him back, but we were good friends and just to all of a sudden stop talking or pretend that wasn’t true is kind of upsetting. and then my other ex, is doing his thing and i barely speak to him when he’s up at college. i just don’t understand the point of building up such a close bond and then saying oh well, thanks for sharing all of your secrets and darkest memories, kbye. it’s not right. it’s not fair. i didn’t spill my heart out to you for you to break up with me and then just pretend everything didn’t happen. it did happen. and i’m not being angsty about the breakup, but i’m being angsty about not talking anymore. i mean, we’re friends. or were friends. but i guess it’s like you said — since i didnt visit in a few months, why do you want to talk anymore? really, is that how it works? and then it pisses me off how my other ex comments on all my facebook shit (this was a few weeks ago, it’s stopped, probably because i started deleting his posts) about my negative facebook statuses. seriously, shut the fuck up. i realize that i probably am a little too negative but perhaps it’s just to let me true friends know that i’m upset and i don’t make much time to talk to them because i’m a shitty friend, but here’s what’s going on in my life.

anyway, if you just decided to skip to the bottom, i just wanted to say: i hope everyone who goes through a rough breakup can cope much better than i. and if you need help, get it. one of my biggest mistakes is not following up with the counseling at university of delaware. i needed it more than i thought, even though i thought i was better. i wasn’t. far from it.

--

well, i finally felt the urge to start blogging again. not sure how long this phase will last, but i always enjoy reading my old posts. so much has changed in just 2 years.

safe to finally say, i am doing so much better than i was when i last posted in this blog. looking back, i needed serious help. the worst of that was not even when i was posting on here still. but i was headed towards a dismal path and was stuck there for quite some time. the next few posts will most likely me remembering my rough past and being happy that for some time, i am not in that dark place.

however, because i started focusing some of that energy on school work, it has definitely left some holes in my life that i long for and miss. my social life is still not much improved from what it was 2 years ago except i stopped caring because my excuse is that i need to study; i don’t have time for people. i suppose it works, but it makes me miss the people that were in my life.

i have so much more on my mind that i’ve kept inside that’d i like to express but i feel like i should keep things shorter.

okay, i've officially switched from tumblr to blogger. now i can rant all i want.

i'm actually really tired to say anything interesting. i managed to do well on another physiology exam so i am very happy about that. i probably won't have any depressing rants to post since i'm on spring break so i'm pretty content at the moment with life. however, i just found out i'm graduating in the summer so i'm a little bummed but oh well.

i think i'm going to copy and paste my posts from tumblr on here. i don't like it being split up.

all i want to do is watch tv and take a nap, but i have to watch my nephew. this is literally the first time i am watching a toddler alone so i'm nervous. i'm not very good with kids so hopefully everything goes okay.

'til next time!